Papa,

Last night, i was drinking alone in my room. I went out for a smoke, and i suddenly realized that i am happy, in some way, and that i am content. I felt good, and this is the feeling i've wanted to feel ever since.

Then and there i made the most stupid decision: i decided to kill myself. For serious this time.

6 paracetamols
10 antacids
30 capsules of Tylenol
and half a bottle of Emperador

I thought that was it. That i won't ever feel the same way i am feeling as i am writing this now. I would die happy and contented, and that was it for me.

Selfish, i know.

I texted two friends as i was doing it. So that i'd say goodbye or something.

And i slept. And it was the deepest sleep i've ever had.

At around six am, one of the friends that i texted called me. I woke up, and before i answered my phone, i went to the bathroom and puked. I went back to my room, and i answered it.

I think she was crying.

We talked, and then i fell asleep again. I woke up at around 10, dissapointed of course because my plan didn't work, and tried to do a paper that i didn't do the night before (because i figured i didn't have to).

The teacher required one whole page. I wrote seven sentences.

I brushed my teeth, and went to school. My head was still spinning, and i feel like puking the entire time.

I got to the room in time, and i submitted my paper. And i sat there, half asleep, my head and stomach spinning in different directions. Everyone was asking if i was alright, and i never answered.

After the period, i felt like cutting. I went to the Zen Garden Quadrangle with one of my friends, and i slept.

I woke up i think at around 3, and i went to my blockmates. We hang around in katip, and my head and stomach were still spinning.

At around 6, i got home. And i slept.

I woke up again at around 9.

If you notice, there's not much details about these parts of my day. I was floating, and i couldn't care much about anything, so at these times, i can't remember much.

So at around 9:30, after eating dinner, i went out to go to my friends house. It was the birthday of one of our classmates in high school, and he treated us.

I didn't drink because i didn't want my liver to be ruined more. A friend told me that the effect of taking 30 capsules of tylenol was that my liver and kidney will be destroyed.

The mother of that classmate is a doctor. That was the effect of 30 capsules, she told him. Whoever did that must be rushed to the hospital immediately.

I felt okay then, i was thinking clear and my stomach was no longer spinning.

After a few hours, at around 11:40, i think, i started crying. Hard.

A friend was consoling me, telling me that we have so much to live for, and there's so much that we have to do, and that i shouldn't feel this way, and shouldn't do that again. And he convinced me to tell this to you.

6 paracetamols
10 antacids
30 capsules of Tylenol
and half a bottle of Emperador

I need help. This time i wouldn't resist, and i would cooperate. The reason the medications didn't work at first was because i was resisting it. When it finally did work, i felt content and tried to kill myself.

Help me, please. I admit niyo na ako, natatakot ako kung ano pang magawa ko. Hindi ko na kayang mag kunwaring okay lang lahat, at mawawala din to.

I know that if mama would find out, she would cry harder than the last time.

Im sorry everyone. I never want anyone to be crying because of me.

So here you are, sitting, because i was typing this before you got home, and i made you read it, and maybe now, im lying down on my bed.

I don't know what will happen to me. But i know that i don't want to feel like this ever, and that i needed help, badly. This time, i'd cooperate.

Gusto ko pa tumugtog, please, tulungan niyo ako.
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P.S. May bago akong slash sa left wrist ko. Sinubukan ko maglaslas, pero di ko kaya, kaya ininom ko na lang ung mga pills na un. Hindi ko ininom gamot ko ngayon, baka di ako magising.