Okay, i survived that.
Long story..
I got confined at the UST hospital for 5 days. And i stopped school.
If i don't want to go back to school in june, i won't go back. My dad agreed. They're very supportive.
I can do whatever the hell i want now. Well, to some extent. I can't do anything illegal. hah.
I'm planning to have saxophone lessons this summer. To keep myself busy. And i'm planning to shift my course, if ever i go back to school. Either english literature, humanities, interdiciplinary studies, or creative writting.
I don't know yet.
so there.
and oh yeah, i have my own place now. My dad sleeps there at night to make sure i don't do anything stupid (like try to OD on pills that cancel each other and slash my wrists with plastic forks) again. So there. and i can smoke anytime now. I smoke like 3 packs a week now. and i go to the gym every other day. so woohoo, welcome back life.
i don't know. sometimes i feel that the meds (im still on them) aren't working. at night, when my father's asleep, and i'm smoking outside, i still feel depressed and worthless and shit. I don't know. But i won't do anything stupid. That's for sure. I mean, even to just pay back the effort that my parents gave me.
I'm trying though. seriously. Im trying happiness and life a shot.
And i plan to read a lot in this sabbatical (sp?) of mine. I'll start with John Milton's "Paradise Lost, Paradise Regained" after reading Salinger's "Franny and Zooey". I've heard that "Paradise" is something like the creation story as told in the eyes of Satan. I don't know, but that sounds interesting to me. My christian cousins cringe at the thought of Satan and the occult. Oh well.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
Papa,
Last night, i was drinking alone in my room. I went out for a smoke, and i suddenly realized that i am happy, in some way, and that i am content. I felt good, and this is the feeling i've wanted to feel ever since.
Then and there i made the most stupid decision: i decided to kill myself. For serious this time.
6 paracetamols
10 antacids
30 capsules of Tylenol
and half a bottle of Emperador
I thought that was it. That i won't ever feel the same way i am feeling as i am writing this now. I would die happy and contented, and that was it for me.
Selfish, i know.
I texted two friends as i was doing it. So that i'd say goodbye or something.
And i slept. And it was the deepest sleep i've ever had.
At around six am, one of the friends that i texted called me. I woke up, and before i answered my phone, i went to the bathroom and puked. I went back to my room, and i answered it.
I think she was crying.
We talked, and then i fell asleep again. I woke up at around 10, dissapointed of course because my plan didn't work, and tried to do a paper that i didn't do the night before (because i figured i didn't have to).
The teacher required one whole page. I wrote seven sentences.
I brushed my teeth, and went to school. My head was still spinning, and i feel like puking the entire time.
I got to the room in time, and i submitted my paper. And i sat there, half asleep, my head and stomach spinning in different directions. Everyone was asking if i was alright, and i never answered.
After the period, i felt like cutting. I went to the Zen Garden Quadrangle with one of my friends, and i slept.
I woke up i think at around 3, and i went to my blockmates. We hang around in katip, and my head and stomach were still spinning.
At around 6, i got home. And i slept.
I woke up again at around 9.
If you notice, there's not much details about these parts of my day. I was floating, and i couldn't care much about anything, so at these times, i can't remember much.
So at around 9:30, after eating dinner, i went out to go to my friends house. It was the birthday of one of our classmates in high school, and he treated us.
I didn't drink because i didn't want my liver to be ruined more. A friend told me that the effect of taking 30 capsules of tylenol was that my liver and kidney will be destroyed.
The mother of that classmate is a doctor. That was the effect of 30 capsules, she told him. Whoever did that must be rushed to the hospital immediately.
I felt okay then, i was thinking clear and my stomach was no longer spinning.
After a few hours, at around 11:40, i think, i started crying. Hard.
A friend was consoling me, telling me that we have so much to live for, and there's so much that we have to do, and that i shouldn't feel this way, and shouldn't do that again. And he convinced me to tell this to you.
6 paracetamols
10 antacids
30 capsules of Tylenol
and half a bottle of Emperador
I need help. This time i wouldn't resist, and i would cooperate. The reason the medications didn't work at first was because i was resisting it. When it finally did work, i felt content and tried to kill myself.
Help me, please. I admit niyo na ako, natatakot ako kung ano pang magawa ko. Hindi ko na kayang mag kunwaring okay lang lahat, at mawawala din to.
I know that if mama would find out, she would cry harder than the last time.
Im sorry everyone. I never want anyone to be crying because of me.
So here you are, sitting, because i was typing this before you got home, and i made you read it, and maybe now, im lying down on my bed.
I don't know what will happen to me. But i know that i don't want to feel like this ever, and that i needed help, badly. This time, i'd cooperate.
Gusto ko pa tumugtog, please, tulungan niyo ako.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. May bago akong slash sa left wrist ko. Sinubukan ko maglaslas, pero di ko kaya, kaya ininom ko na lang ung mga pills na un. Hindi ko ininom gamot ko ngayon, baka di ako magising.
Last night, i was drinking alone in my room. I went out for a smoke, and i suddenly realized that i am happy, in some way, and that i am content. I felt good, and this is the feeling i've wanted to feel ever since.
Then and there i made the most stupid decision: i decided to kill myself. For serious this time.
6 paracetamols
10 antacids
30 capsules of Tylenol
and half a bottle of Emperador
I thought that was it. That i won't ever feel the same way i am feeling as i am writing this now. I would die happy and contented, and that was it for me.
Selfish, i know.
I texted two friends as i was doing it. So that i'd say goodbye or something.
And i slept. And it was the deepest sleep i've ever had.
At around six am, one of the friends that i texted called me. I woke up, and before i answered my phone, i went to the bathroom and puked. I went back to my room, and i answered it.
I think she was crying.
We talked, and then i fell asleep again. I woke up at around 10, dissapointed of course because my plan didn't work, and tried to do a paper that i didn't do the night before (because i figured i didn't have to).
The teacher required one whole page. I wrote seven sentences.
I brushed my teeth, and went to school. My head was still spinning, and i feel like puking the entire time.
I got to the room in time, and i submitted my paper. And i sat there, half asleep, my head and stomach spinning in different directions. Everyone was asking if i was alright, and i never answered.
After the period, i felt like cutting. I went to the Zen Garden Quadrangle with one of my friends, and i slept.
I woke up i think at around 3, and i went to my blockmates. We hang around in katip, and my head and stomach were still spinning.
At around 6, i got home. And i slept.
I woke up again at around 9.
If you notice, there's not much details about these parts of my day. I was floating, and i couldn't care much about anything, so at these times, i can't remember much.
So at around 9:30, after eating dinner, i went out to go to my friends house. It was the birthday of one of our classmates in high school, and he treated us.
I didn't drink because i didn't want my liver to be ruined more. A friend told me that the effect of taking 30 capsules of tylenol was that my liver and kidney will be destroyed.
The mother of that classmate is a doctor. That was the effect of 30 capsules, she told him. Whoever did that must be rushed to the hospital immediately.
I felt okay then, i was thinking clear and my stomach was no longer spinning.
After a few hours, at around 11:40, i think, i started crying. Hard.
A friend was consoling me, telling me that we have so much to live for, and there's so much that we have to do, and that i shouldn't feel this way, and shouldn't do that again. And he convinced me to tell this to you.
6 paracetamols
10 antacids
30 capsules of Tylenol
and half a bottle of Emperador
I need help. This time i wouldn't resist, and i would cooperate. The reason the medications didn't work at first was because i was resisting it. When it finally did work, i felt content and tried to kill myself.
Help me, please. I admit niyo na ako, natatakot ako kung ano pang magawa ko. Hindi ko na kayang mag kunwaring okay lang lahat, at mawawala din to.
I know that if mama would find out, she would cry harder than the last time.
Im sorry everyone. I never want anyone to be crying because of me.
So here you are, sitting, because i was typing this before you got home, and i made you read it, and maybe now, im lying down on my bed.
I don't know what will happen to me. But i know that i don't want to feel like this ever, and that i needed help, badly. This time, i'd cooperate.
Gusto ko pa tumugtog, please, tulungan niyo ako.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. May bago akong slash sa left wrist ko. Sinubukan ko maglaslas, pero di ko kaya, kaya ininom ko na lang ung mga pills na un. Hindi ko ininom gamot ko ngayon, baka di ako magising.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Reaction, wastes in dreams,
Clubs of spades and kings.
Hearts behind Jacks,
and Queens over threes,
I really don't know what's happening to me.
Okay, that was crap.
No one really reads this blog, except for two people, i think.
Ever since i got perscription pills, life has been, i don't know, sedated.
I hate the feeling. I want my feelings to be clear so that i could wallow in it. I want to feel really sad when i'm sad, i want to feel really happy when i'm happy. Right now, every emotion is muddled. I feel like i'm not feeling straight. I'm thinking straight, but not feeling straight. They should lock me up in an emotional rehab or something.
I've been drinking three days straight now, alone, in my room. It's not really pleasurable though, because i have no one to talk to.
Someone commented on my old blog, and she won't tell me who she is. And out of nowhere, an aunt started texting me, telling me that we should go out and watch gigs or something this saturday (she's 29, i think). So now i'm thinking that she found out about my blog while googling me or something. So now, no names so that my blog would remain hidden and only known to about 3 people at most.
I feel that the pills are making me dull. I can't write the way i used to, when whatever the emotion i was feeling was sharp. Even if it hurts back then, i wouldn't mind because everything seems so clear. And i could write journals and poems and songs. Now, when i pick up my guitar, i would stop 10 minutes after because whatever i'm playing doesn't seem to make sense anymore. I try to pick up a pen and write, but nothing comes out. I hate the feeling that you don't know exactly what you're feeling. Godamn pills.
I feel like im floating. I feel that i am transient. Well, everyone is transient because everyone dies eventually, so i guess this entry doesn't have a point.
I just feel sometimes that i want my life back. I want my feelings back. But i don't know if i've lost anything, so i don't know. I want my life and emotions back, but i can't remember if what i had as a life and what i had as emotions back then is worth having back, or if this paragraph is making sense. No i am not drunk. Not yet.
If you get to read this, or if i make you read it, please comment. Tell me what to think. I need options.
Clubs of spades and kings.
Hearts behind Jacks,
and Queens over threes,
I really don't know what's happening to me.
Okay, that was crap.
No one really reads this blog, except for two people, i think.
Ever since i got perscription pills, life has been, i don't know, sedated.
I hate the feeling. I want my feelings to be clear so that i could wallow in it. I want to feel really sad when i'm sad, i want to feel really happy when i'm happy. Right now, every emotion is muddled. I feel like i'm not feeling straight. I'm thinking straight, but not feeling straight. They should lock me up in an emotional rehab or something.
I've been drinking three days straight now, alone, in my room. It's not really pleasurable though, because i have no one to talk to.
Someone commented on my old blog, and she won't tell me who she is. And out of nowhere, an aunt started texting me, telling me that we should go out and watch gigs or something this saturday (she's 29, i think). So now i'm thinking that she found out about my blog while googling me or something. So now, no names so that my blog would remain hidden and only known to about 3 people at most.
I feel that the pills are making me dull. I can't write the way i used to, when whatever the emotion i was feeling was sharp. Even if it hurts back then, i wouldn't mind because everything seems so clear. And i could write journals and poems and songs. Now, when i pick up my guitar, i would stop 10 minutes after because whatever i'm playing doesn't seem to make sense anymore. I try to pick up a pen and write, but nothing comes out. I hate the feeling that you don't know exactly what you're feeling. Godamn pills.
I feel like im floating. I feel that i am transient. Well, everyone is transient because everyone dies eventually, so i guess this entry doesn't have a point.
I just feel sometimes that i want my life back. I want my feelings back. But i don't know if i've lost anything, so i don't know. I want my life and emotions back, but i can't remember if what i had as a life and what i had as emotions back then is worth having back, or if this paragraph is making sense. No i am not drunk. Not yet.
If you get to read this, or if i make you read it, please comment. Tell me what to think. I need options.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Cymbalta is approved by the FDA for the treatment of major depressive disorder, as well as for the management of diabetic peripheral neuropathic pain (DPNP). It offers relief from both the emotional and painful physical symptoms associated with depression.
http://www.cymbalta.com/depression/about/cymbalta_faqs.jsp?reqNavId=3.6
Great. At least now i know what they're giving me.
http://www.cymbalta.com/depression/about/cymbalta_faqs.jsp?reqNavId=3.6
Great. At least now i know what they're giving me.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Okay.
My parents brought me to the doctor this morning.
They were checking for depression.
They didn't know that waking me in the middle of my sleep (9:30 am, i was still sleeping), fighting with each other on the 1 hour drive, and that stupid hospital made me even more depressed. I didn't tell them that.
The shirnk didn't tell me anything new. She didn't tell me anything that i didn't know already. The only difference was that she talked to my parents, and she perscribed me pills.
At first i thought that it was valiums, but then it turned out that it wasn't. I don't know what it is, but it really really makes you drowsy. I took one just now. The doctor told me to take one pill before i go to sleep everyday, and that we'd see each other next saturday.
And then she told me, in a non-threatening voice, that if i didn't start eating again, and that if i'd try to hurt myself again, she'd have to "confine" me. It's good that she wanted to look concerned and that she used the word "confined" instead of "admit" or "rehabilitate".
I don't know what's happening to me. All i know is that right now, i'm really really drowsy and calm. Damn those pills really work.
I'll write again when i'm not drugged. It's a little hard to type when all you want to do is sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDIT:
I just thought of something.
Maybe the pills really are just sleeping pills. The doctor said that if i still can't sleep at night, i'll tell my parents that the pills aren't working, and they'd give me something that she gave to them. Stronger sleeping pills, maybe. Or valiums or other sedatives.
But if that pill that i took was just a sleeping pill, why did the box of those pills have this tagline, "because depression hurts" or something like that (i forgot the name of the drug and other details on the box)?
You know what? i really want to get confined or admitted or whatever. All i have to do is say that i don't want to eat and just slash my left wrist again. Once. And then my parents would freak out, and then voila, instant vacation.
My parents brought me to the doctor this morning.
They were checking for depression.
They didn't know that waking me in the middle of my sleep (9:30 am, i was still sleeping), fighting with each other on the 1 hour drive, and that stupid hospital made me even more depressed. I didn't tell them that.
The shirnk didn't tell me anything new. She didn't tell me anything that i didn't know already. The only difference was that she talked to my parents, and she perscribed me pills.
At first i thought that it was valiums, but then it turned out that it wasn't. I don't know what it is, but it really really makes you drowsy. I took one just now. The doctor told me to take one pill before i go to sleep everyday, and that we'd see each other next saturday.
And then she told me, in a non-threatening voice, that if i didn't start eating again, and that if i'd try to hurt myself again, she'd have to "confine" me. It's good that she wanted to look concerned and that she used the word "confined" instead of "admit" or "rehabilitate".
I don't know what's happening to me. All i know is that right now, i'm really really drowsy and calm. Damn those pills really work.
I'll write again when i'm not drugged. It's a little hard to type when all you want to do is sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDIT:
I just thought of something.
Maybe the pills really are just sleeping pills. The doctor said that if i still can't sleep at night, i'll tell my parents that the pills aren't working, and they'd give me something that she gave to them. Stronger sleeping pills, maybe. Or valiums or other sedatives.
But if that pill that i took was just a sleeping pill, why did the box of those pills have this tagline, "because depression hurts" or something like that (i forgot the name of the drug and other details on the box)?
You know what? i really want to get confined or admitted or whatever. All i have to do is say that i don't want to eat and just slash my left wrist again. Once. And then my parents would freak out, and then voila, instant vacation.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
The day after my mother found out (i think) and after the nerve-wracking text she sent me, i got a chance to "talk" to her.
We didn't actually talk (hence the quotation marks), but i guess that should suffice.
I approached her, and i said, "Ma, thank you." Then i kissed her on the cheek.
She said, "Sige baby".
And that was that. The was the first time i really kissed my mom on the cheek for a long long time.
It felt good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We got to jam yesterday. Although we were'nt complete, it was really fun.
We have two new songs on the way. The first one is near completion (lyrics na lang) and the other one, wala pa, just chord combinations that sound good.
Marlowe said (and i agreed) that it had a feel of "abysmal bliss". Yung parang naglalakad ka after the war, buhay ka tas ang ganda ng sunrise at ung sky sobrang blue. meron pang flowers sa daan. kaso nakapaligid sayo, mga patay mong comrades, sabog ung mga katawan at hindi makilala ung mga mukha. ikaw lang magisa ung buhay.
Ganung feel.
Sorry, ganun ung lumalabas sa akin eh. I guess i sort of feel that way right now.
Sige sige, i need to get back to fixing my life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
currently listening to: Apology - Alesana
currently reading: Hamlet - Shakespeare
currently feeling: blah
We didn't actually talk (hence the quotation marks), but i guess that should suffice.
I approached her, and i said, "Ma, thank you." Then i kissed her on the cheek.
She said, "Sige baby".
And that was that. The was the first time i really kissed my mom on the cheek for a long long time.
It felt good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We got to jam yesterday. Although we were'nt complete, it was really fun.
We have two new songs on the way. The first one is near completion (lyrics na lang) and the other one, wala pa, just chord combinations that sound good.
Marlowe said (and i agreed) that it had a feel of "abysmal bliss". Yung parang naglalakad ka after the war, buhay ka tas ang ganda ng sunrise at ung sky sobrang blue. meron pang flowers sa daan. kaso nakapaligid sayo, mga patay mong comrades, sabog ung mga katawan at hindi makilala ung mga mukha. ikaw lang magisa ung buhay.
Ganung feel.
Sorry, ganun ung lumalabas sa akin eh. I guess i sort of feel that way right now.
Sige sige, i need to get back to fixing my life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
currently listening to: Apology - Alesana
currently reading: Hamlet - Shakespeare
currently feeling: blah
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Sounds like poetry to me
This song is saving me right now. Thank you guys for stating it so elegantly.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOR MILES - Thrice
I know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn.
And all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes.
And on that day when we look backwards we will see, that everything is changed
and all of our trials will be as milestones on the way.
And as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart.
And there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends.
On that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right.
All of our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight.
But until then all of our scars will still remain, but we've learned that if we'll
open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal.
as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart
and there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends
we must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
we must open up these wounds
when some one stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
there's no greater love. we must open up our wounds
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll try and write again when i have time.
Here are some of the things i wrote a long time ago.
I'm just sharing it with you.
If you have nothing to do, read it, and tell me what you think.
Aspiring poet/lyricist, i know. Some of them really suck. I'll try to get better.
http://www.tabulas.com/~cort/content.html
that is the link from my old blog. read the entries if you want to.
i'm feeling a lot better now, actually. Participating in life really helps. The only problem right now is hiding the scars on my wrists from my parents. I wouldn't know what to do if ever they confront me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOR MILES - Thrice
I know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn.
And all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes.
And on that day when we look backwards we will see, that everything is changed
and all of our trials will be as milestones on the way.
And as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart.
And there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends.
On that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right.
All of our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight.
But until then all of our scars will still remain, but we've learned that if we'll
open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal.
as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart
and there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends
we must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
we must open up these wounds
when some one stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
there's no greater love. we must open up our wounds
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll try and write again when i have time.
Here are some of the things i wrote a long time ago.
I'm just sharing it with you.
If you have nothing to do, read it, and tell me what you think.
Aspiring poet/lyricist, i know. Some of them really suck. I'll try to get better.
http://www.tabulas.com/~cort/content.html
that is the link from my old blog. read the entries if you want to.
i'm feeling a lot better now, actually. Participating in life really helps. The only problem right now is hiding the scars on my wrists from my parents. I wouldn't know what to do if ever they confront me.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
You
okay.
now i know why i can't seem to write properly anymore.
writting is a release. i don't need release anymore because i've told everything i have to say to everyone. even her. i visited her in school last monday, and we ended up crying in the waiting shed.
i don't know what's happening to me. All i know is that i don't need release anymore. I've told so many people already, and i'm tired of telling it all over again.
i've cut my wrist with every sharp object i could find. i did it yesterday, and i did it earlier during math period. i went to the bathroom and slashed myself.
it helps, seriously. i know it's stupid, but when you feel the pain rushing to your wrists, you just seem to forget. i've tried everything, and they don't work. cigarettes, alcohol, valiums. but when i slashed myself, i just felt calm. sad, but calm.
i don't know.
i know you're hurting because of me. im sorry, but this is just how i deal with things. i know you care for me. i think. i don't want you hurting because of me. so please, stop caring anymore. it would kill me if you'd stop caring, but if that's what it takes for you to stop hurting, i can take that. i don't ever want to see you cry because of me. ever. please.
i don't know what i'm feeling right now.
i was infatuated back then with you. but now, i love you for caring for me. i love you.
but i know that will never happen. you and me. one day, you'd just stop caring and just give up. i'd understand. im the kind of person that's hard to love.
please stop crying. i don't want to see you crying.
let's just move on, okay. you know that i'm always here for you. no matter what. but we have our own lives to live, so i guess it's easier this way.
i've told so much to so many people already. and i'm tired as hell of thinking about you. please, let's just live it as this. okay?
take care of yourself.
now i know why i can't seem to write properly anymore.
writting is a release. i don't need release anymore because i've told everything i have to say to everyone. even her. i visited her in school last monday, and we ended up crying in the waiting shed.
i don't know what's happening to me. All i know is that i don't need release anymore. I've told so many people already, and i'm tired of telling it all over again.
i've cut my wrist with every sharp object i could find. i did it yesterday, and i did it earlier during math period. i went to the bathroom and slashed myself.
it helps, seriously. i know it's stupid, but when you feel the pain rushing to your wrists, you just seem to forget. i've tried everything, and they don't work. cigarettes, alcohol, valiums. but when i slashed myself, i just felt calm. sad, but calm.
i don't know.
i know you're hurting because of me. im sorry, but this is just how i deal with things. i know you care for me. i think. i don't want you hurting because of me. so please, stop caring anymore. it would kill me if you'd stop caring, but if that's what it takes for you to stop hurting, i can take that. i don't ever want to see you cry because of me. ever. please.
i don't know what i'm feeling right now.
i was infatuated back then with you. but now, i love you for caring for me. i love you.
but i know that will never happen. you and me. one day, you'd just stop caring and just give up. i'd understand. im the kind of person that's hard to love.
please stop crying. i don't want to see you crying.
let's just move on, okay. you know that i'm always here for you. no matter what. but we have our own lives to live, so i guess it's easier this way.
i've told so much to so many people already. and i'm tired as hell of thinking about you. please, let's just live it as this. okay?
take care of yourself.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
alentines Day.
If you get the tittle, you're good.
You know, im starting to suck at writting blog entries. Ever since that thing started, i can't write properly anymore.
I think i'll just post an old poem here. I wrote this for the girl i used to like. I think. Used to. Anyway..
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I Knew There Was Someone Crying, And I Thought It Wasn't Me.
I close my eyes and think of you; your smile, your hair, your laugh.
My hand moves, making more scribbles of nothings, outbursts of
Undying adoration, and sequences of breathless moments, adding to the Litter of love from a heart you taught how to.
Why do i always fall in love with the girls who show me the least bit of attention?
I ache for you to give me the chance to show you what could have been, and in that, i believe, that you are my someone to live for, my only reason to try and wake up each morning from the death of sleep i consciously embrace.
I open my eyes and think of you still;
The only girl who taught me how to love also taught me to fall far from it.
I told myself that love brings nothing but bitterness and longing, things that will never see the break of dawn, trapped under folds and layers of self-doubt.
I can't forget about you; i will not forget you.
I should have killed myself. But i can't.
How can you notice me when i'm dead?
How can i hear you console me when i'm dead?
How can you tell me that i can't love you when i'm dead?
How can i tell you that i'm not worthy of you when i'm dead?
I must live because you have to tell me you don't want me to go to waste.
I must live because i don't want you to think that your efforts were in vain.
I must live because i have to tell you that you've succeded in the one thing you didn't want to achieve.
I must live because my heart is chained to you forever.
I closed my eyes again.
I knew there was someone crying, and i thought it wasn't me.
But just for a second, though.
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"Why do i always fall in love with the girls who show me the least bit of attention? (Remember this line from your poem?) And I replied with 'because they're busy seeking the attention of someone who don't give a crap about them, too. it's a vicious cycle, my dear. and we all fall for it.' And now I realized how messed up things were." -her
You know, im starting to suck at writting blog entries. Ever since that thing started, i can't write properly anymore.
I think i'll just post an old poem here. I wrote this for the girl i used to like. I think. Used to. Anyway..
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I Knew There Was Someone Crying, And I Thought It Wasn't Me.
I close my eyes and think of you; your smile, your hair, your laugh.
My hand moves, making more scribbles of nothings, outbursts of
Undying adoration, and sequences of breathless moments, adding to the Litter of love from a heart you taught how to.
Why do i always fall in love with the girls who show me the least bit of attention?
I ache for you to give me the chance to show you what could have been, and in that, i believe, that you are my someone to live for, my only reason to try and wake up each morning from the death of sleep i consciously embrace.
I open my eyes and think of you still;
The only girl who taught me how to love also taught me to fall far from it.
I told myself that love brings nothing but bitterness and longing, things that will never see the break of dawn, trapped under folds and layers of self-doubt.
I can't forget about you; i will not forget you.
I should have killed myself. But i can't.
How can you notice me when i'm dead?
How can i hear you console me when i'm dead?
How can you tell me that i can't love you when i'm dead?
How can i tell you that i'm not worthy of you when i'm dead?
I must live because you have to tell me you don't want me to go to waste.
I must live because i don't want you to think that your efforts were in vain.
I must live because i have to tell you that you've succeded in the one thing you didn't want to achieve.
I must live because my heart is chained to you forever.
I closed my eyes again.
I knew there was someone crying, and i thought it wasn't me.
But just for a second, though.
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"Why do i always fall in love with the girls who show me the least bit of attention? (Remember this line from your poem?) And I replied with 'because they're busy seeking the attention of someone who don't give a crap about them, too. it's a vicious cycle, my dear. and we all fall for it.' And now I realized how messed up things were." -her
Ever since you knew, i don't know, i'm just thinking a lot. I really do think too much.
Sorry, this is all i could think of writting now.
Happy S.A.D everyone
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Transient
I left my old blog for personal reasons, but i still want to write.
So there, right now, i am transient.
I'll try and salvage some stuff from my other blog.
I don't know, goddamnit. I'm just dealing with a lot of shit right now. Maybe i'd tell you all about it someday.
That is, if you know who i am.
Oh well.
Transient:
1 a : passing especially quickly into and out of existence
1 b : passing through or by a place with only a brief stay or sojourn
2 : affecting something or producing results beyond itself
Sige tsong, hanggang dito na lang.
For now. I can't write properly.
I need inspiration.
lessthanslashnumberthree
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