Okay, i survived that.

Long story..
I got confined at the UST hospital for 5 days. And i stopped school.
If i don't want to go back to school in june, i won't go back. My dad agreed. They're very supportive.
I can do whatever the hell i want now. Well, to some extent. I can't do anything illegal. hah.
I'm planning to have saxophone lessons this summer. To keep myself busy. And i'm planning to shift my course, if ever i go back to school. Either english literature, humanities, interdiciplinary studies, or creative writting.
I don't know yet.
so there.

and oh yeah, i have my own place now. My dad sleeps there at night to make sure i don't do anything stupid (like try to OD on pills that cancel each other and slash my wrists with plastic forks) again. So there. and i can smoke anytime now. I smoke like 3 packs a week now. and i go to the gym every other day. so woohoo, welcome back life.

i don't know. sometimes i feel that the meds (im still on them) aren't working. at night, when my father's asleep, and i'm smoking outside, i still feel depressed and worthless and shit. I don't know. But i won't do anything stupid. That's for sure. I mean, even to just pay back the effort that my parents gave me.

I'm trying though. seriously. Im trying happiness and life a shot.

And i plan to read a lot in this sabbatical (sp?) of mine. I'll start with John Milton's "Paradise Lost, Paradise Regained" after reading Salinger's "Franny and Zooey". I've heard that "Paradise" is something like the creation story as told in the eyes of Satan. I don't know, but that sounds interesting to me. My christian cousins cringe at the thought of Satan and the occult. Oh well.

Papa,

Last night, i was drinking alone in my room. I went out for a smoke, and i suddenly realized that i am happy, in some way, and that i am content. I felt good, and this is the feeling i've wanted to feel ever since.

Then and there i made the most stupid decision: i decided to kill myself. For serious this time.

6 paracetamols
10 antacids
30 capsules of Tylenol
and half a bottle of Emperador

I thought that was it. That i won't ever feel the same way i am feeling as i am writing this now. I would die happy and contented, and that was it for me.

Selfish, i know.

I texted two friends as i was doing it. So that i'd say goodbye or something.

And i slept. And it was the deepest sleep i've ever had.

At around six am, one of the friends that i texted called me. I woke up, and before i answered my phone, i went to the bathroom and puked. I went back to my room, and i answered it.

I think she was crying.

We talked, and then i fell asleep again. I woke up at around 10, dissapointed of course because my plan didn't work, and tried to do a paper that i didn't do the night before (because i figured i didn't have to).

The teacher required one whole page. I wrote seven sentences.

I brushed my teeth, and went to school. My head was still spinning, and i feel like puking the entire time.

I got to the room in time, and i submitted my paper. And i sat there, half asleep, my head and stomach spinning in different directions. Everyone was asking if i was alright, and i never answered.

After the period, i felt like cutting. I went to the Zen Garden Quadrangle with one of my friends, and i slept.

I woke up i think at around 3, and i went to my blockmates. We hang around in katip, and my head and stomach were still spinning.

At around 6, i got home. And i slept.

I woke up again at around 9.

If you notice, there's not much details about these parts of my day. I was floating, and i couldn't care much about anything, so at these times, i can't remember much.

So at around 9:30, after eating dinner, i went out to go to my friends house. It was the birthday of one of our classmates in high school, and he treated us.

I didn't drink because i didn't want my liver to be ruined more. A friend told me that the effect of taking 30 capsules of tylenol was that my liver and kidney will be destroyed.

The mother of that classmate is a doctor. That was the effect of 30 capsules, she told him. Whoever did that must be rushed to the hospital immediately.

I felt okay then, i was thinking clear and my stomach was no longer spinning.

After a few hours, at around 11:40, i think, i started crying. Hard.

A friend was consoling me, telling me that we have so much to live for, and there's so much that we have to do, and that i shouldn't feel this way, and shouldn't do that again. And he convinced me to tell this to you.

6 paracetamols
10 antacids
30 capsules of Tylenol
and half a bottle of Emperador

I need help. This time i wouldn't resist, and i would cooperate. The reason the medications didn't work at first was because i was resisting it. When it finally did work, i felt content and tried to kill myself.

Help me, please. I admit niyo na ako, natatakot ako kung ano pang magawa ko. Hindi ko na kayang mag kunwaring okay lang lahat, at mawawala din to.

I know that if mama would find out, she would cry harder than the last time.

Im sorry everyone. I never want anyone to be crying because of me.

So here you are, sitting, because i was typing this before you got home, and i made you read it, and maybe now, im lying down on my bed.

I don't know what will happen to me. But i know that i don't want to feel like this ever, and that i needed help, badly. This time, i'd cooperate.

Gusto ko pa tumugtog, please, tulungan niyo ako.
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P.S. May bago akong slash sa left wrist ko. Sinubukan ko maglaslas, pero di ko kaya, kaya ininom ko na lang ung mga pills na un. Hindi ko ininom gamot ko ngayon, baka di ako magising.

Reaction, wastes in dreams,
Clubs of spades and kings.
Hearts behind Jacks,
and Queens over threes,
I really don't know what's happening to me.

Okay, that was crap.

No one really reads this blog, except for two people, i think.

Ever since i got perscription pills, life has been, i don't know, sedated.

I hate the feeling. I want my feelings to be clear so that i could wallow in it. I want to feel really sad when i'm sad, i want to feel really happy when i'm happy. Right now, every emotion is muddled. I feel like i'm not feeling straight. I'm thinking straight, but not feeling straight. They should lock me up in an emotional rehab or something.

I've been drinking three days straight now, alone, in my room. It's not really pleasurable though, because i have no one to talk to.

Someone commented on my old blog, and she won't tell me who she is. And out of nowhere, an aunt started texting me, telling me that we should go out and watch gigs or something this saturday (she's 29, i think). So now i'm thinking that she found out about my blog while googling me or something. So now, no names so that my blog would remain hidden and only known to about 3 people at most.

I feel that the pills are making me dull. I can't write the way i used to, when whatever the emotion i was feeling was sharp. Even if it hurts back then, i wouldn't mind because everything seems so clear. And i could write journals and poems and songs. Now, when i pick up my guitar, i would stop 10 minutes after because whatever i'm playing doesn't seem to make sense anymore. I try to pick up a pen and write, but nothing comes out. I hate the feeling that you don't know exactly what you're feeling. Godamn pills.

I feel like im floating. I feel that i am transient. Well, everyone is transient because everyone dies eventually, so i guess this entry doesn't have a point.

I just feel sometimes that i want my life back. I want my feelings back. But i don't know if i've lost anything, so i don't know. I want my life and emotions back, but i can't remember if what i had as a life and what i had as emotions back then is worth having back, or if this paragraph is making sense. No i am not drunk. Not yet.

If you get to read this, or if i make you read it, please comment. Tell me what to think. I need options.

Cymbalta is approved by the FDA for the treatment of major depressive disorder, as well as for the management of diabetic peripheral neuropathic pain (DPNP). It offers relief from both the emotional and painful physical symptoms associated with depression.

http://www.cymbalta.com/depression/about/cymbalta_faqs.jsp?reqNavId=3.6

Great. At least now i know what they're giving me.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Okay.

My parents brought me to the doctor this morning.

They were checking for depression.

They didn't know that waking me in the middle of my sleep (9:30 am, i was still sleeping), fighting with each other on the 1 hour drive, and that stupid hospital made me even more depressed. I didn't tell them that.

The shirnk didn't tell me anything new. She didn't tell me anything that i didn't know already. The only difference was that she talked to my parents, and she perscribed me pills.

At first i thought that it was valiums, but then it turned out that it wasn't. I don't know what it is, but it really really makes you drowsy. I took one just now. The doctor told me to take one pill before i go to sleep everyday, and that we'd see each other next saturday.

And then she told me, in a non-threatening voice, that if i didn't start eating again, and that if i'd try to hurt myself again, she'd have to "confine" me. It's good that she wanted to look concerned and that she used the word "confined" instead of "admit" or "rehabilitate".

I don't know what's happening to me. All i know is that right now, i'm really really drowsy and calm. Damn those pills really work.

I'll write again when i'm not drugged. It's a little hard to type when all you want to do is sleep.
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EDIT:

I just thought of something.

Maybe the pills really are just sleeping pills. The doctor said that if i still can't sleep at night, i'll tell my parents that the pills aren't working, and they'd give me something that she gave to them. Stronger sleeping pills, maybe. Or valiums or other sedatives.

But if that pill that i took was just a sleeping pill, why did the box of those pills have this tagline, "because depression hurts" or something like that (i forgot the name of the drug and other details on the box)?

You know what? i really want to get confined or admitted or whatever. All i have to do is say that i don't want to eat and just slash my left wrist again. Once. And then my parents would freak out, and then voila, instant vacation.

The day after my mother found out (i think) and after the nerve-wracking text she sent me, i got a chance to "talk" to her.

We didn't actually talk (hence the quotation marks), but i guess that should suffice.

I approached her, and i said, "Ma, thank you." Then i kissed her on the cheek.

She said, "Sige baby".

And that was that. The was the first time i really kissed my mom on the cheek for a long long time.

It felt good.

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We got to jam yesterday. Although we were'nt complete, it was really fun.

We have two new songs on the way. The first one is near completion (lyrics na lang) and the other one, wala pa, just chord combinations that sound good.

Marlowe said (and i agreed) that it had a feel of "abysmal bliss". Yung parang naglalakad ka after the war, buhay ka tas ang ganda ng sunrise at ung sky sobrang blue. meron pang flowers sa daan. kaso nakapaligid sayo, mga patay mong comrades, sabog ung mga katawan at hindi makilala ung mga mukha. ikaw lang magisa ung buhay.

Ganung feel.

Sorry, ganun ung lumalabas sa akin eh. I guess i sort of feel that way right now.

Sige sige, i need to get back to fixing my life.
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currently listening to: Apology - Alesana
currently reading: Hamlet - Shakespeare
currently feeling: blah